Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house everybody was quiet which was a first for me. But a blessing nonetheless. I make my way to the liquor cabinet to pour a drink to unwind . As I pour a generous glass of tequila I remember I have to put those damn cookies out for my daughter’s first Santa clause excursion. Fml does it never end. It wouldn’t be so bad if Eddie hadn’t broke it off in me on my monthly .. WEN . As I relax with my glass the sound of crunching comes from my roof and I think shit I hope I don’t have rats. Then to my surprise the fireplace begins to rumble and put out black soot. I’m stunned and a little surprised that I hadn’t already grabbed my trusty Beneli m4 . And god I wish I had because a nasty fat guy fell out of my fireplace and immediately started yelling and beknownce to me these little elf looking assholes swarmed me. As I attempted to fight the buggers the fat nasty man started laughing and saying something about anybody else in the house . But thank you Jesus my wife loves fire arms same as me . As the little people I guess you are supposed to call them bit pinched and otherwise doing anything to keep me on the ground kept there attack I remeber thinking if I die it would be fitting and I recalled my last round of keno ( fuck you EDDIE ). But my wife never came the fat man started smiling and and I was almost unconscious from the devils minions skull fucking ne into the ground. Then arose such a clatter fat ass and 12 Idgits look to see what was the matter . Bullets sprayed and cookies and wee people bits spewed I looked up to see a man in a wife beater and no shoes holding an assault rifle yelling in rage and I knew that everything was alright we finished the fat man off together and I looked at the mess I had to clean.and I thought who was that fat sucker and he looks me and tipped his head and said YIPPIE KYE YAY MOTHER FUCKER !
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