Funny Jokes #1

[schturman]

- Sarochka, you are so beautiful, cheerful, you are the girl of my dreams.
- Yasha, do you want sex with me?
- And smart!

[schturman]

Men! Do not fall into such situations.
- What is the scariest phrase a man can hear during a class session?
- Dear, I have come!

[schturman]

The drunk man comes home, picked up a cat on the way. The wife opens the door. Man:
“And this is a jungle monkey.”
“Well, what a monkey,” the wife says with a smile, “this is a cat.”
- Do not bother, I'm talking to a cat.

[schturman]

- You can’t imagine - I have twin daughters! ..
- Great, probably very similar? And how do you distinguish them?
- Only on moles: the blonde on the right cheek, and the brunette on the left.

[schturman]

A son comes to his father and says:
- Dad, today I had my first sexual experience!
“So come here soon and tell me how it was.”
“No thanks, I'm standing.”

[Vaiois]

What is the worst combination of illnesses?
-
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

True story 

[schturman]

A guy meets a girl. Girl:
- Hello. I immediately warn you that on the first date no kisses, let alone sex without condoms!
- And I have condoms!
- Well, such an onslaught is simply hard to withstand! Where are we going, to me or to you?

[DCYuma]

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

[schturman]

A cowboy flies into a bar with a gun in his hand and shouts:
“Now I will find out which of you slept with my sister!”
The bar is deadly silence. Then from the far corner of the bar you hear:
“Anyway, you don’t have enough for all the cartridges!”

[Clon777]

 

“The serpent regretted seducing Adam and Eve.” - Why? - When Eve ate an apple, she saw in the Snake not only an animal, but also a belt, a purse and a handbag.

[schturman]

A young wife addresses her husband:
“You and I got married, and you have to stop playing golf.” You can sell your sticks, and with the proceeds we allow ourselves to buy new furniture.
“You talk like my ex-wife.”
- What is the ex-wife? You told me you were not married to me!
- But I wasn’t.

[schturman]

Three doctors tiredly come out of the clinic.
The dentist inhales air fully:
- What air! Fresh air!
The pathologist exclaims:
- And people around! Living people go!
The gynecologist enthusiastically says:
- And most importantly the faces! Human faces !!!

[Danfand]

I lose game in a casino.

[schturman]

The young man runs for a long time after the girl:
- Girl, wait.
- And what happened?
- Didn’t you forget the umbrella on the bus?
- Oh, like me!
- Well, run for the bus, he has not yet gone so far.

[schturman]

Confession girl in church:
- Father, I lead a righteous lifestyle: I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t cheat on my husband, I work diligently. Tell me, am I living right?
  - Yes, my daughter, right. That's just in vain.

[Clon777]

 

Two lawyers come into the cafe, order drinks and get sandwiches. “Sorry,” says the bartender, “but we can't eat our own food.” Lawyers look at each other, shrug their shoulders and change their sandwiches ...

[schturman]

Call the police:
- Is that the police? I caught a husband with a mistress ...
  - Well, what do we have to do with it?
  - So I caught them to death!

[Clon777]

 

Queue in the dentist's office. Quiet buzzing drills suddenly interrupted by hellish cries and screams. After a minute, a bloodied patient comes out. The queue, alarmed: - Is it really so painful ?! Patient spitting a bitten finger from his mouth: - Well, still ...

[Clon777]

 

A reporter asks a movie star:

- Where did you meet your sixth husband?

 - On the hunt  .  When he shot my fifth husband.

[schturman]

Take a break - smile.
The son-in-law asks the mother-in-law:
- Mother-in-law, and go get me cigarettes! Here's a thousand, keep the change for yourself.
Mother-in-law went out and bought cigarettes. After 10 minutes, the son-in-law calls his mother-in-law again:
- Mother-in-law, and run away for your beloved son-in-law for a beer! Here I give five thousand, keep the change for yourself.
Mother-in-law ran to the store, brought a beer.
A phone rings, the wife rings:
- Dear, and you gave your mom a pension?
The husband replies: -I am giving it away slowly.

[Clon777]

The husband informs his wife:
 “You know, dear, I invited a friend tonight to have dinner with us.”
 - You're out of your mind!  There is dirt in the apartment, the child has snot, there is nothing to eat at home, I have laundry - and he invited!
 Husband:
 “Exactly, let him see.”  He is my best friend, and lately he has begun to think too much about marriage ...

[Clon777]

People with fingers like a fan are held in high esteem by geishas.  

The climber who has lost a week in the snow finds himself on a mountain brothel.  Madame meets him at the threshold: “Monsieur, do you want a woman?” “No, no, no, no ...” “Monsieur, do you want a girl?” “No, no ...- Monsieur, do you want a boy?”  baked in dough .- Oh, Monsieur understands a lot about perversions !!!

[wngo123]

good ones  

[sheenazbay]

This makes me relax reading jokes one by one

[Clon777]

The judge informs the defendant.

What does it mean?

This means that you have not received evidence.

Thank God! So, can I keep the money for myself?